Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Giant Pink Elephant

So I need to discuss what has just happened to me and my family to make sure there are no giant pink elephants in the room that people ignore when I’m around (even though I bet Eve would greatly enjoy a giant pink elephant as a pet or something, as long as it never pooped), or that I become the weird kid that people talk about and wonder how she’s doing, but never say anything to her…

Most everybody who reads this blog knows that my brother Matt passed away on January 6, sometime in the late morning/afternoon. We still don’t know why (he passed away in his sleep), but hopefully in the next two or three months we will.

I also know that most everybody who reads this blog, the Wheeler blog, or has just hung out with me has probably met one or both of my brothers. We are and have been very close since we quit fighting with each other sometime when I was in high school. We are just all best friends, basically. The older we all got, the more my two younger brothers started acting like they were the older ones, taking care of me and my mom. Matt and I had become especially close since Josh has been preoccupied with a person I like to refer to as the Psycho Hose Beast… we’ll save that one for another blog (or see my rant starting with something about the movie Fatal Attraction on the Wheeler Blog). Anyways, we talked pretty much every week, hung out when I went to Ruidoso or he came to Lubbock, and even though he made fun of my costochondritis, he drove me back to Lubbock so I could go back to school. You could not ask for a better brother.

So pretty much this loss has been devastating to me and my whole family. If you’ve lost someone you were terribly close to, maybe you understand what it feels like. Most of the time I feel like my heart is broken, I’m on the verge of tears, and someone who weighs about 200 pounds is standing on my chest. It’s an excruciating, empty, but heavy feeling that makes you want to just lay in bed all day, thinking about the what if’s, the if only’s, and replaying all the painful events in your mind.

I just wanted to let everyone know that I appreciate the calls and everything. I have ignored a lot of calls just because I wasn’t really able to talk at the time, or didn’t feel like explaining what happened. Plus, there just isn’t a lot to say. I haven't even checked my voicemail since it happened because I know the messages will probably make me cry. Right now we’re all trying to move along, trying to get through a day without crying, and just taking it minute by minute if I need to. What does help is thinking about my brother being in a place so awesome that he would not want to come back here if he could. It’s the only thing that is even mildly comforting right now.

So it’s back to school for me tomorrow. I’m going to be between Borger and Ruidoso for the semester. I have a grant that gives me in state tuition that I can’t pass up, plus we think that if it had been someone other than Matt that was gone, he would go on doing what he needed and wanted to, so that’s what we’re going to try to do. I wish I could write something more profound, but my mind is still on the mend. I learned a lot from my brother in the 21 years he was with us, including how to snowboard and a life lesson that doing something you hate for a living is not an option. We were lucky to have had him in our lives for as long as we did, and God willing we’ll be with him again someday.

Josh and I wrote a piece to celebrate Matt's life. If you'd like to read it, click here and please comment with memories of Matt, or whatever you'd like to say.


Anonymous Lipe said...

Sarah, I am so sorry to hear of your great loss. I can't imagine what you are going through. I hope you know that my thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family in this your time of loss. I know you have probably heard this a lot in the past few weeks, but if you need anything please let me know.

8:20 PM  
Anonymous Leslee said...

Fave, thinking of you and offering you hope and comfort during this difficult time. I have posted my thoughts on “The Wheeler Three” Blog. The piece you and Josh wrote was amazing, it really was. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Please let me know if there is anything I can do.

9:02 AM  
Blogger Maud said...

Not a whole lot to say other than I've been thinking about you lots and am glad you felt able to share your thoughts with us. We are, of course, here when you need anything and looking forward to sometime hearing wonderfully funny stories of Matt memories.

Hope you come visit soon! -Maud

Also, if you can send me a link to the pink elephant store I'd apprech.

11:38 AM  
Anonymous BT said...

I pray for you and your family in such a difficult time. I remember back in the HS days when you and your brothers would always be fighting and then in what seemed like one day everyone was best friends. Stay strong and when thinking back smile about the good times and laugh at the bad times.

12:07 PM  
Blogger Wheeler said...

What I'd greatly appreciate is if any of you have memories or stories about Matt, PLEASE post the on the Wheeler Blog (www.wheelerrules.blogspot.com).

I'm going to print the whole thing out eventually for my family, so it would mean a lot... even if you just met him, saw me and my brothers interacting, or if you know my mom... anything would be fantastic.

Thanks for all of your thoughts and prayers, everyone.

5:59 PM  
Anonymous Tibbs said...

I have been thinking about and praying for you and your family. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us during such a difficult time. If there is anything I can do to help you through this time, please call or write.
Love, Meg

8:34 AM  

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